Middle Skool Genius

I’m working at Brad Garrett’s Comedy Club in Las Vegas this week. I’m not saying I’m better than you but I’m writing this from the 24th floor of the MGM Signature Hotel so I am probably at least physically higher than you are. 

A view of Top Golf. Just like I asked for.

Working in Vegas wouldn’t be the worst way to get Covid I suppose. It would look better on my comedy resume than the bowling alley-casino-comedy club in Richland, Washington I could have caught it at last weekend. 

“Live your life in a way that you don’t know where you caught Covid.” ~Gabriel Rutledge

I’m still Covid free and at this point I’d like to schedule my Omicron infection with my Doctor so I can pick a week that works well for me. The fear portion of the pandemic is over for me. I’m really focusing on anger and frustration now. It’s going well. (Sips whiskey.) I’ve had some gigs canceled, but more than that it feels like a general pause mode on my entire industry. Again. Certainly not as bad as the screeching halt in 2020 but I did better mentally with the big challenges then, than I’m doing with the smaller ones now. The non-essential life ain't for everybody. The message from the world since March 2020 has been clear; “There’s a lot going on so we don’t really need clowns right now.” If you’re one of the clowns what else is there to do but shrug and say “Yeah makes sense. It was kind of a dumb thing to get good at.” I’m a comedian lifer. I’ll ride this shit out too and probably judge those that don’t. I could have been something else though.

I was in a “gifted” class in middle school. Maybe show me a little fucking respect next time we talk. I remember how I found out I was going to be in it. I was in 5th grade at McLane Elementary School in Olympia Washington. (Go Owls.) My family had moved from South Bend, Washington to Olympia halfway through the school year. The woman who would be my wife was also in that class but we didn’t know that yet. Good thing. It would have terrified the 11 year old versions of ourselves. 

“I’m someone’s soulmate!”

Okay objectively she probably would have had more reason to be terrified than me. How as a 5th grade boy do I somehow look like one of the mom’s who just dropped off my classmates? 

Towards the end of the year a fellow student handed me a note in class. I wasn’t supposed to open it, because it was about me, but I think there was some confusion. The note said “I think Gabe is a huge nerd.” It’s an almost adorable level of bullying by today’s standards but this was in 1985 and we didn’t know what a “cuck” was yet. I don’t remember being particularly offended. I probably just adjusted my giant glasses and slicked down the front of my bowl cut and took it in stride. 

The sender of the note was very embarrassed and assured me “I was just saying you’re really smart. You’re not supposed to know this yet but my mom told me you’re going to be in the Reach program at middle school next year and it’s for really smart kids.” 

I Googled it and the program still exists 

What is the Reach gifted program?

The online program is designed specifically for gifted and talented middle school students to help them learn to think critically, communicate effectively, develop reasoning and problem-solving skills, and actively pursue education on their own terms.

I hadn't even problem-solved hair combing yet, but still flattering to be thought of as “gifted and talented” nonetheless. The basic idea was we were so smart that regular class wasn’t challenging enough so we would go meet twice a week to work on independent projects “and actively pursue education on our own terms.” I’m not sure what the exact criteria for being a part of the Reach program was but I do know this; I was by far the dumbest kid in it. 

I was at least pretty good- but probably not gifted-at reading and writing, but arithmetic? I’m not being self-deprecating at all when I say I was probably below average. When I look back at the other students I remember from that class there are kids who went on to graduate high school with a perfect 4.0 GPA, some who got perfect or near perfect SAT scores, and many who received scholarships to Stanford or Ivy League schools. And then me, who finished high school with a 2.8 GPA. It was lower than that thanks to failing Algebra, but I brought it up my senior year by taking back to back PE classes and getting a work study grade for my grocery store job. I didn’t even take the SAT test because I knew it was not required to attend South Puget Sound Community College. The woman who would be my wife would also be attending that school but we didn’t know that then either. 

Good luck guessing the genders and/or sexuality of any of the 19 year old’s in this photo but that’s me on the left. I’d switched to contacts and after some “critical thinking” decided hats were the best way to problem-solve my hair by then.

I attended one semester of community college then dropped out because I was pretty sure my band was going to make it. None of these are gifted choices. Why the hell was I in that class? History has shown it to be a bad choice. I think I was profiled. In the way tall people are assumed to be good at basketball I think my 5th grade teacher, who’d only known me a few months, looked at my physical appearance and thought “Well he looks like a dork. I’ll put him in Reach.” 

Truthfully, I was a student who would have liked to be challenged less. I’m the same kind of adult. No obstacles beats overcoming them any day. My wife works at a school so I know it’s a fairly common refrain from parents that their child is struggling either scholastically or behavior wise, because “they are not being challenged enough.” I’m sure it’s sometimes true, but what’s the theory? Dumb kids don’t get bored? Disinterest is not necessarily a sign of intelligence. If I was apathetic as a student it wasn’t because I was so brilliant. I was bored because school is boring and that’s an appropriate response. If I put in enough effort I could get pretty good grades, I would have some wild swings in my report cards. A bad quarter of C’s and D’s followed by one with A’s and B’s, then repeat cycle. It’s the same way I eat. I lost two pounds. I deserve ice cream!

I wish I could remember more details (sips whiskey) but I have a fuzzy memory of one day in Reach when we were supposed to present our projects. I remember looking around the room and seeing the other students' incredible multimedia presentations. There were huge posters, giant elaborate detailed maps with 3D topography, some students were wearing historically accurate costumes for their “character” and I recall a few historically accurate indigenous recipes were presented as well. And then I remember looking down in shame at my “project.” I don’t remember what it was, but I do know that it’s entirety was contained on one normal sized sheet of paper. It’s not my fault. I was too smart for the gifted class, it bored me. 

I don’t think there was a gifted program in high school but maybe after my middle school performance they decided Reach was a stretch for me and chose to not tell me about it. In my defense, have you ever applied yourself though? It’s exhausting. I think I would score pretty low on an “applying myself” aptitude test. Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have shown up even if there was one. 

 I hated being in the Reach program, but jokes on the joker because as a comedian my entire professional life has been dedicated to “independent projects.” Go watch the 45 minute special I just put on YouTube if you’d like to see one.

 It was recorded three years ago on one camera so just like in Reach class I still have some trouble with effort and due dates.